Hanging On and Letting Go

This weekend was a BIG weekend! Together with my friends from The Inner Cycle, my husband and I opened our fourth Energy Barre studio! We are fondly referring to this new venture as EBIC - a beautiful fitness haven in North Reading where two like-minded businesses are bringing the community the best of barre and spin under one roof! It's pretty unbelievable to walk into this space and say that it is in-part mine. Someday (soon hopefully), I will write about how we dreamt up this idea and patiently waited for the right opportunity to fall into our laps, but today I am not really here to write about EBIC.

Today I am here to write as therapy. I'm here to share some honesty because I feel like I've been trying to hide from this truth, and it is catching up with me BIG time.

I'm often praised for doing it all. A common recognition that I try to humbly receive. But, if I am being completely honest, I do enjoy the acknowledgement of my life's work. I am a Leo, through and through. I am good-natured (at least I hope), and I try to live in the service of others. But, perhaps my fatal flaw is that I thrive off of positive recognition. This is a truth about me that I really cannot deny, and if I tried to change it, I believe that a huge part of me would be missing. BUT, in these more recent years of my life, I try to control it in a healthy way. Just as I thrive off of positive recognition,  negative feedback has the ability to completely slay me. As a business owner in a service industry, that is an unstable point to be balancing on. So, consciously, I try to work on it to feel healthy, happy, content, and balanced just to be; to be able to let the good stuff feel good and the bad stuff be a lesson without derailing me.

That overly-wordy confession felt necessary in order to get to the point. I'm not quite sure why, but I imagine it will make more sense as I continue my confession.

So, with such a HUGE weekend and milestone in my immediate past, and of course opening week ongoing at the studio, I am receiving an overwhelming and constant flow of positive praise from my friends, family, and the community of the studio. So, now that you know a little bit more about my Leo side, these should be my glory days! The hours upon hours of hard work, the sleepless nights, the visions turning into reality, my dreams literally coming true - it should all feel so GOOD. And it does. BUT, I am completely out of whack. Picture a child cleaning up her room and shoving EVERYTHING into the closet, forcing the door shut just so she could go out and play! That's what I feel like right now.

This undertaking was HUGE! And the fruit is so worth the labor. But, as I sit here, peeling my eyes open, I feel out of harmony and unworthy of the acknowledgement.

I am receiving praise a job that I did not do alone. 

I have people to thank and recognize for their tremendous efforts. And as the days go on, I see that task dropping down and down and down on my list. 

I am being commended for doing it all. However, if it weren't for my husband, I would be surviving on Starbucks and Angelo's take-out alone.

I am a fitness instructor and the tension and restlessness in my body is keeping me awake at night.

I am feeling out of balance and, quite honestly, somewhat like a fraud because I feel like I am so far from having it all together right now.

I live my life extremely publicly because I think it is fun and because I enjoy sharing. It's just a part of my make-up. I want you to know me and I want you to know all of me. I want you to see what I love and what I celebrate and who I strive to be. I want to be real and I want to inspire. I guess in some ways this public living is keeping me honest.

I STRIVE to live my life in balance. To work hard, play hard, love hard. I truly believe that you can have it all, because you can create the life you want. But, it takes effort, and sometimes you're getting it right, and sometimes you're so far off it hurts.

Today, I am feeling so far off it hurts. I've got a list of priorities - actually I have a cloud of priorities - and I can't figure out which one to put first because they all rank SO high right now.

So, I took some time, even though I don't have any spare time. And I meditated. And I cried. And I asked for help. And I got the answer.

Today I do not have it all together. That needed to be acknowledged to move on.

However, today I do not have to completely lose it.

Today I need to choose a couple of my jobs and focus on them so that tomorrow I can take on a little bit more, and a little bit more the next day. And so on.

I am a wife.

I am a mom.

I am a sister.

I am a daughter.

I am a friend.

I am a business owner.

I am a teacher.

I am a student.

I am a human

Sometimes you have to choose. And choosing one over the other does not mean that the other is less important. It simply isn't.

Today I need to be a wife. A mom. A business owner.

Truthfully, tomorrow I probably need to do just that again.

Thankfully I am always a human; I cannot choose to leave that behind. So today and tomorrow, I will be human, too.

Today I cannot be a teacher. Instead I will focus on the environment of the studio, so that my amazing team can do the teaching and be the power of example that I hope to return to on Saturday.

Today I cannot (actively be) a sister, daughter, friend. I love that role, but it's on the shelf. 

I think I can be a student. I think the student comes along with the human category. I suppose I am always a student if I am trying to learn.

Today, tomorrow, I need to be home. I need to actually be present with my husband and my son. I need get to know the pup that we have welcomed into our home as a foster doggie. I need to sit at the desk of my new studio and iron out the details and actually run the operation. I need to slow down and actually do it all instead of standing in the spiral and hoping things land in the right place.

I think that this is growth. I think that this is the right thing.

My beautiful son will be two on Saturday. And on that day, I will feel at peace, somewhat in control and balanced because that is the mom that he deserves to have. Together with my husband, my truest partner, we will celebrate Lennon's life and enter into a new year of adventures with a two-year-old, four studios, a dog and dream!