I haven’t written in a while. I've found myself in a rut - a rut that I feared I would fall into given my endless quest for balance in days that are never quite long enough. But, what I have found since exposing myself through this diary is that it is not the lack of time keeping me from posting, it's something a little bit deeper than that and I surprised myself this weekend when I finally saw this blogger's block for what it was.
Fear of acceptance.
Fear of judgement.
Fear of bearing it all.
Fear of breaking through.
Fear of letting the world see exactly who I am.
I love to write. I always have. I’ve never been too impressed with my ability to communicate verbally, but I do feel that when writing I am able to express how I feel with sincerity and a genuine quality, so that if nothing else, my message is completely understood by the reader. Writing about my own feelings also helps me to understand myself more clearly. It is an exercise in personal therapy and development that has helped me through the hard times and enabled me to relish in the good times. So, in the years since discovering my passion for fitness and female empowerment, I have dreamt of having this blog, because I feel I have something to share.
I follow so many fitness and lifestyle bloggers who inspire me, and whose work has encouraged me to take chances that maybe I otherwise wouldn’t have - to try new approaches in health, wellness, motherhood, sisterhood, management, and exercise. I admire these women who have built a following and a level of trust from perfect strangers, and who subject themselves to scrutiny because just maybe they will connect with someone and make a difference in their lives. I follow women who know their percentage of body fat compared to muscle, vegetarians, body builders, yoga instructors, spiritual mentors…women whose posts inspire slimmer waists and booty gains, women who rarely eat sugar, drink alcohol, or purchase anything but organic and I LOVE reading their posts and following the progress that they make toward their own personal goals. Their ambition drives me, and I take inspiration for my own life through each and every one of them. The blogs that I follow make me want to BE more, but they do not make me want to BE anyone other than ME.
So on my post-Saturday-night-party-fun run this past Sunday morning, the realization hit me like a pile of bricks. The many abandoned blog posts and the desire to share that I have frequently suppressed has not been due to lack of time, but instead fear of sharing who I am, and giving this deeper insight into my life - fear that although I am inspired by the women who I follow, I am not them. I do not stand in such a strong conviction of anything, except that I want to be all of those things. I want to be an amazing mom, with a cute butt and a healthy heart, and a happy family. I want to challenge my body almost every day. I want to experience life. I want to be strong enough to meet any challenge head on, but soft enough to lead with my heart. I want to set an example for my son. I want to be admired by my husband. I want to connect with women. I want to drink green smoothies and too much champagne. I want to achieve balance every day in as many ways possible. I want to be comfortable and confident, and I want to encourage women to feel the same way about themselves.
When I read that paragraph over and over, I think to myself, "why is that so intimidating?" Because with all my heart, that is how I TRY to live. So what is wrong with sharing the journey, the daily practice of being me, and loving me?
The answer: What if someone doesn’t like it? What if someone criticizes me? What if no one likes it?
You see, in the process of developing my career as a fitness instructor, I have actively worked to enhance my knowledge of the body and expand my source of fit-spiration. I am constantly evolving and trying new things and bringing them to the studios where I teach. So, with time, I have become secure and confident in being a positive power of example, maintaining a well-rounded fitness routine with a strong commitment to my body's health. I believe in the method that I teach and I encourage active movement of the body for my clients no matter where that happens. I am comfortable knowing that barre is not for everyone, that not everyone likes cardio, and that what I encourage my clients to do may not be what another fitness professional would encourage their clients to do. That's the beautiful thing about the fitness industry - there truly is something for everyone, you've just got to find what you like and do it!
But this, this whole talk about lifestyle is new for me. I am not a dietitian, a nutritionist, a spiritual mentor, or a guru of any kind. So what if someone out there thinks that the way I live my life is not a positive representation of a fitness instructor and a studio owner?
Well, for goodness' sake! Allowing that to be my reason for NOT sharing my life directly grossly conflicts with being comfortable and confident as ME. So, I am ripping off the band-aid.
This past Saturday, I woke up at my favorite place in the world. I went to the gym, I ate a healthy breakfast, I took my son to the park then the beach. I swam and played all day, I had salad with chicken for dinner, I had cocktails and beers, and danced the night away with my husband and my friends and I woke up on Sunday and went for a post-Saturday-night-party-fun run. And that is pretty much my weekend routine for the summer. But, this Sunday was different because on this particular sweat-out-the-fun-from-last-night run, I decided that it was OK to be honest about that.
And now you can expect to hear a lot more from me on how I live my life and what my idea of balance is because that is what I have wanted for this blog all along. I am a mindful person with a big heart, on an endless quest for balance, making mistakes and strides along the way. I think that there are lots of people out there who can relate, so if you can, then follow along, my friend!